Intimate Relations

In my life, I’ve had issues arise between myself and close friends because of questionable sexual behavior. Clearly established moral and ethical boundaries were dishonored and violated. Relationships were strained and stained, some were cut off or put on indefinite pause. My feelings were hurt, I was angry, sad, disappointed. Feelings are feelings and they deserve respect, but they are not the sum total of life’s meaning; ultimately I realize that these people did me a favor by showing me who they are and what they’re capable of–I take the win and keep it moving.

I woke up this morning thinking about lovers, and what I’m currently looking for in a lover. This led me to reflecting on the types of experiences I’ve had in this realm, as well as the experiences I’ve heard about from friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I have some rough formulations that I came up with as a way of understanding these experiences, understanding different types of erotic and sexual relationships. One of the reasons I want to think and feel my way through this comes out of a need to define my values and experiences outside of “consensus reality,” which I find to be mostly wack.

There exists the standard “monogamous” model of relationships–two people in a romantic partnership who, in theory, do not have any outside lovers or romantic relationships. The standard narrative leads them to long-term coupling, perhaps marriage, perhaps children. Even long-term cohabitation is essentially the same thing as a marriage, only without the paperwork or the negative juju that many people associate with marriage due to their experiences and understanding of it.

The problems with these relationships have been well-noted by various storytellers and philosophers for thousands of years. To summarize the modern situation, these relationships are a mirror of the function of capital, which in turn is a mutation of agricultural economics dating back to the neolithic. Ownership and oppression,  envy, jealousy, the basic insanities of the nuclear family, etc. In reality, “infidelity” is common; people cheat on each other all the time. It’s considered standard behavior in many circles for a man to have a wife and a mistress, a girlfriend and a side chick.

Then there’s “dating,” which as far as I can tell is basically “try-outs” for long-term companionship. Many people simply date out of boredom or lack of alternative options, but I think most people who date are ultimately looking for someone to share their lives with. In ye olden days (pre-internet) they might meet potential partners through friends or family, or while participating in activities in which they share an interest. Perhaps they meet at a bar or a club or a show. There are organizations that set people up on dates, or perhaps host “singles mixers” for folks to meet potential partners. People meet each other in school, or maybe have a chance encounter on the bus or shopping for groceries. And since everything material in this society can be had for the right price, people even buy, sell, and trade “sexual services.”

Nowadays, technological alienation has led to a proliferation of “website dating services,” where people fill out standardized forms and are given a list of potential matches based on how well their form answers line up with each other. This technological alienation has reached its current apex with apps like Tinder, which have transformed the quest for romantic and/or sexual partners into the equivalent of online shopping–people as two-dimensional commodities, reduced to a picture and a soundbite, swipe left to reject.

In the last several years, among certain circles of consumer-class bohemians, there’s been a proliferation of the ideology of “polyamory.” People unsatisfied with the basic mundanity of monogamy have opted for relationships with various degrees of “openness” to having other lovers. Many of these folks hierarchically organize the status of their lovers around a main partner–primary, secondary, tertiary (does anyone other than me use that word?), etc. A friend who is a professional counselor told me once that there’s now a whole field of relationship counselors who specialize in “polyamorous” relationships. The most common problem they encounter is that these relationships tend to hinder people’s emotional growth; instead of making the difficult emotional journey of working out relationship problems, one or the other partner simply finds someone else to use as an emotional escape and outlet.

Personally, what I’ve seen most often is that people who are emotionally immature promote “polyamory” out of self-interest; they don’t want to be single and lonely, but they still want to be able to fuck whoever they want. Despite the protests and propaganda of folks who advocate this lifestyle, it is essentially just another commodity/consumer relationship; if I’m unhappy with the current product, I’ll use something different for awhile–I mostly eat at Jack-in-the-Box, but right now I’m in the mood for Burger King. I do not think it’s a coincidence that “polyamory” has gained popularity in the era of Late Capital(ism). Advocates of this lifestyle claim that it represents some kind of freedom; if so, that freedom has not, in any way, extended to society in general. The mental gymnastics of people looking for moral justification of their own self-interest are always fun to observe.

I’ve been in many intimate relationships that I like to refer to as “non-traditional,” mainly because I haven’t known what else to call them. I’ve only been in two long-term (a year or longer) monogamous relationships in my life. It’s been common in my adult life for me to have multiple concurrent lovers; I remember first reading about “polyamory” back in the early 2000’s, long before it became trendy. It sounded good on paper, but there was always something about it that struck me as suspect. I never claimed the label.

I’ve had two long-term “open” relationships. I’ve had sexual/romantic relationships that were on-and-off for years, but I never identified those partners as my “girlfriend,” did not claim monogamy, and had no illusions of long-term commitment. I’ve had relationships that were erotic and sexual but did not involve “intercourse.” When I was younger I did plenty of lying, but I haven’t “cheated” on anyone since I was 19; in all other cases, everybody knew the deal, and signed up with varying degrees of acceptance or reluctance. With some lovers our encounter was a one-time occasion, but in most cases I’ve been involved with someone for at least a few months.

Through all of these experiences, I’ve developed an ethics and morality of sexual/romantic relationships that is deeply personal. If I agree to be monogamous, I will be. If I don’t, I won’t, and I will be upfront about it. If a lover says they’re okay with being non-monogamous but their actions and attitudes say otherwise, I will break it off. I refuse to be the partner-in-cheating for someone who is supposed to be monogamous to another, (though I reserve the clown-pass right to make an exception if the woman is POC and the partner is a white man, hee hee, ho ho). I never sexually engage anyone with whom my close friends have a romantic history. As a general rule, I will not knowingly have sex with anyone who’s ever had sex with one of my friends, co-workers, or professional associates. I won’t keep a lover who lies–actively or by omission–about their sexual history or their relationship status. And, generally speaking, I don’t seek out lovers. I live my life, and if they show up, that’s great.

Thinking through all of this, I’ve come up with some rough categories or archetypes of lovers. In all of these, I assume a basic level of human respect between partners; I have no interest in the objectification and dehumanization of people for sexual purposes. Therefore, none of these categories involve predatory sex–seeking out people to fuck with zero regard for their feelings or humanity–or transactional sex–paying for access to someone’s body. So-called “sex workers” may take issue with my feelings on this, which is their right, but I will say it anyway: exchanging sex for money and/or resources is an affront to the spirit, and proof of the degradation inherent in (machine)(domination)(patriarchal)(capital[ism]) culture. Also, none of these categories are intended to be absolute; they can ebb and flow into one another, the moon and the tide.

The Companion Lover
The type of lover that most people are familiar with from being in “romantic relationships.” This is a person with whom you share aspects of your life–you spend time together, go on adventures, share meals, tell stories, merge your lives in some capacity, or even join forces unto death. The standard “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” fits into this category, as well as long-term lovers with “undefined” status. A spouse or life-partner is a long-term companion lover.

The Recreational Lover
This is a lover with minimal emotional attachments. Their only purpose is in sharing sexual fun. They may be a one-time lover or an ongoing affair with no degree of commitment. This is a hedonistic relationship by definition; once the fun stops, the relationship stops. (Please note that I am not condemning hedonism; it is what it is.)

The Therapeutic Lover
Sex and sexuality are fundamental to the human experience, and in a society of alienation, oppression, and objectification, folks can and do develop all kinds of pathologies. A therapeutic lover is someone who helps to heal those sicknesses through sex. This is someone who ultimately makes you a better, healthier, more whole human being… whether they intend to or not. Sometimes we need a release, but a recreational lover is not substantial enough–one needs more than just “fun.” If you’ve ever felt this, you may have been feeling the need for a therapeutic lover.

The Heart-Connection Lover
This is the spiritual ideal; the lover with whom one shares a deep, soul-level connection. This is all of the other lovers blended together in a sacred dance of intimacy. From what I’ve seen, few people ever experience this level of connection with someone. Even when they do, it’s not necessarily a guarantee of a blissful partnership. If anything, it can be more difficult than any other kind of relationship; it demands change, adaptation, emotional and spiritual growth, respect, and compassion on a level that our society ill prepares us for. This is what people are pointing towards when they use the phrase “soulmate,”–the two who become one, separated only to unite. The idea of, experience of, and hope for this lover have long inspired creative works of intense and enduring beauty.

I have experienced each of these archetypes, and blends of them. I know them by feel, know their benefits and drawbacks. Right now, I have no lovers; after dealing with plenty of heartbreak and trifling behavior, I have decided to be very cautious and intentional about who I share my time and energy with. That said, who knows what the future may hold?

I am an explorer.

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Cellular Romance

Straight to the point: cell phone technology has brought a whole new layer of drama and bullshit to every romantic relationship I’ve been in.

Background information that will help the reader understand where I’m coming from: I am not down for the Droid Era. I do not own a smartphone, which means I do not spend an inordinate amount of my time poking away at my phone. I can only check e-mail or social media sites when I’m at home, on my desktop computer–a computer which is quickly becoming antiquated in its internet capabilities because I refuse to update the operating system (it would kill my audio recording/mixing software, but that’s another story).

No smartphone means no instagram, no snapchat, no apps of any sort. No constant buzzing of a pocket computer calling me to prayer. I have a flip-phone that’s about seven years old. The battery can go for a week without being recharged. I can text and call, but I can’t get group texts, any pictures sent to me have about as much resolution as a postage stamp, and I can’t watch videos or play music. No perpetual soundtrack to my daily life, no tube television as a traveling companion. No videogames, no GPS, no streaming anything.

I do not live as though my phone were my boss or my diety. Unless I am expecting a call or a text, I generally keep it on silent so it is not constantly demanding my attention, and I turn it off by 11pm every night. Sometimes I go the whole day without remembering to turn it back on. I check it occasionally throughout the day, usually when I want to know what time it is. I rarely engage in extended conversations by text; my feeling is, if we have enough to talk about that it takes more than three or four messages, we should be speaking and listening instead of texting.

I first got a cell phone in 2003. I was 23 years old. That means I lived on this planet for 23 years without carrying a phone/computer with me everywhere. I had friends, I had two jobs, I participated in activities, I had a girlfriend, I had a life, and I was able to do all of that without a cell phone; I realize this is fully unimaginable for anyone under the age of 30, but it’s true. The only reason I even got a cell phone was because I moved into my girlfriend’s apartment and for some technical reason I couldn’t transfer my landline number to my new place.

As long as I’ve had a cell phone, I’ve always managed to live in a place with minimal reception. Three different cities, five different domiciles since 2003, and I’ve never had reliable connectivity. Missed calls, dropped calls. Texts and voicemails that arrive days after they’re sent. Sometimes even when my phone’s ringer is on, the phone still doesn’t ring when I get a call or text. A frequent enough occurrence that I’ve taken note of it: I’m around other people and they suddenly have phone connectivity issues they don’t usually have. Maybe it’s my aura.

Digressive side note: a number of times I’ve been teaching a workshop for middle school or high school students, and I’ve used the phrase “cellular phone,” and someone has asked me what that is. They don’t even know that “cell” is an abbreviation of “cellular.”

Now, thanks to these devices, the social environment has taken on some new dimensions of fuckery. Many people live as though these devices were a part of their own bodies. All face-to-face conversations are subject to disruption by gadget at any time. Folks often insist on having a personal soundtrack playing in the background for any mundane occasion. Stories, instead of being told, are illustrated, like children’s books–infinite photos, infinite death of the imagination.

I recognize that I’m the weirdo for not being down with all this, but me being the weirdo doesn’t make this droid culture any less psychotic and disturbing. People who live this way assume that everyone else does too, which is a reasonable assumption given the circumstances. On the everyday level, what this means for me is whenever new people come into my life, they have a learning curve for discovering I’m not a gadget jockey, and certain things about our relationship are going to be different. I’m not going to instantly respond to something you send me. I am not automatically available at any given time of day or night. And if I call you and you don’t answer, I’m probably going to leave a voicemail, archaic as that has become.

And there’s one thing I’m never, ever going to do over text with a romantic partner: argue.

In each of the (romantic)(sexual)(erotic)(love) relationships I’ve been in over the last five years or so, I have made it a point to tell the other party these things up front. Please, if you have any kind of issue with me, if you are upset about any aspect of our relationship for any reason, CALL ME. Don’t text me. I do not do text-message drama, not even a little bit. If you send me some crazy text or series of texts, the first thing I’m going to DO is call you. The first thing I’m going to want to KNOW is why you are disregarding and disrespecting my request, my conditions, my boundaries. (P.S., I reserve the right to act like I never saw the texts in question.)

Seems pretty straight forward to me. I’m as honest and direct about it as I know how to be. And still.

And. Still.

Somebody catches a jolt of feelings, and instead of sitting with it and figuring out how best to address those feelings, they lash out with dead letters. It’s so easy. It’s so normal.

It’s psychotic.

How many times as someone been upset with me because I didn’t respond fast enough to them, or because there was some kind of misunderstanding between us regarding something that was said or not said? How many plans have been cancelled at the Last Possible Minute because it’s so much easier to disappoint someone when you don’t have to hear the disappointment in their voice? How many scathing texts have been impulsively sent and regretted later?

Having been in romantic relationships before and after the Droid Syndrome took hold, I have to say that on the balance, shit is much worse now. Yes, it’s fun to flirt over text. Yes, I like getting cute, sweet, sexy messages from lovers. Yes, it’s a convenient way to let me know x, y, and z. No, it does not make up, cannot make up, for what is lost.

There’s more talking and less communication. Relationships are more fragile. We are more alienated from each other than ever.

“The war is over, and the machines won.”

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Doves and Their Secrets

I learned something recently while reading about pigeons for a story I was working on: pigeons have been a part of cities for as long as there has been such a thing as cities. I think that’s fascinating; so far, only one person I’ve told this to has reacted with what I consider a suitable amount of awe. Other folks have responded as if it were something they already knew. And maybe, in a sense, they did. Ancestral memory. 

The dove–which is a fancy name for a pigeon–is included as part of the earliest stories and symbolism of civilization. They appear in the epic of Gilgamesh, one of the oldest Sumerian myths. From the time humans first caught the machine infection and began mutilating the landscape into grids full of buildings, we have used pigeons to deliver messages. They have an ability to find their way home, an ability that still remains a mystery to the mad science of Babylon; no matter how many pigeons they torture, cut up, and otherwise experiment on, they still don’t know exactly how pigeons do it.

Pigeons are a totem animal of the citygod, like rats and roaches. And people hate pigeons. “Rats of the sky,” folks call them. Nevermind that they’re just winged people doing their best to survive–in yet another manifestation of the delusion of human supremacy, we regard them as lowly, dirty pests. Well, newsflash, folks; they’re here because we brought them here. To serve us. Like dogs and oxen and cows.

Another interesting note about pigeons: they mate for life. There is a pair of pigeons who live in one of the trees in my backyard, pigeon spouses. They’re tan-colored, with black spots. I see them together all the time. The other morning I went out on the back porch, and there another pair of small birds doing some kind of squabbling dance around the yard. It looked like they were fighting, like one was harassing the other, but since I don’t know them like that I can’t be sure. The pigeon couple was sitting on the edge of my disintegrating wicker bench, watching the other birds go at it.

The whole scene was absurd and wonderful in the way that only wild beings can manifest. Truth be told, I experienced a degree of melancholy watching it. I often have that feeling when I’m watching wild folks do their thing, because I cannot help but think of all those beings who will never dance or sing or run or mate again, crushed into extinction by the cancer of urbanization. The ones who continue to live, who survive on the asphalt, well… their lives are, like ours, a kind of half-life. Perhaps those pigeons even remember their ancestral heritage, the flocks of their winged relatives who used to darken the sky in their migrations. Now, the sky is darkened by poison. Like us, they used to have healthy food and water; now, like us, they get diabetes from eating poison food.

There was another reason for my melancholy, though. Watching the pigeon couple reminded me of what I have lost. I spent a year in a relationship with a woman I loved deeply and truly. She struggled with addiction and all the pathology that comes out of a history of oppression, deprivation, and abuse, and ultimately our relationship fell victim to that struggle. At this point it’s been about seven months since we split up, and I don’t miss her or love her any less than I did when we first broke up. By her request, I have not seen her or spoken with her in all that time. Although, from time to time, she still visits me in my dreams.

For awhile, we were that pigeon couple. Mated for life, doing everything together. We two became one. We had what they have. And I loved it. Even when it was hard, even when our demons went to battle against each other and I was angry and sad and frustrated, I never had any doubt that together we could overcome those struggles and be better for it. I still believe that. My tan-skinned mate with the black hair and dark eyes has flown off; I can only hope she finds her way home.

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Empathy for the Serpent

I’ve been binging on Hellboy comics the last few days–what a marvelous series! I have the first 10 or so books, and every few years I go through and read them again. So, I currently have a head full of monsters, witches, devils, shamans, ghosts, and other folks who are guaranteed to be fun at parties.

“Chaos monsters” in the mythology of City/Civilization cultures are frequently represented as serpents of some kind–dragons, etc. For example, Marduk, the first god/priest king of Mesopotamia, created the first government/state/civilization from the remains of his slain mother, Tiamat the chaos dragon.

The serpent is also the spiral, the Milky Way, the snail shell, the gene codes, the great and small manifestations of the miracles of cosmos and life. The chaos serpents in old myths are usually female, the cosmic mothers.*** They must be slain in order for the man-rule of grids, temples, and banks to take over. And so they become the first villains in the New Story, the story of triumphant empire. In modern times, we see this most prominently in the story of Adam & Eve, where Eve screws everyone over by surrendering to temptation by the devil-snake in the Garden of Eden.

The serpent is life and cosmos, untamed, uncontrolled, wild and free. And so it becomes the enemy of The Civilized, whose ideology is based on control of life–the ordered grids of farm fields give way to paved streets, caste systems, slaves and masters, debt peonage, human sacrifice, ecological destruction, Total War, and all the other dubious accomplishments of civilization.

Chaos, in both the old and the new myths, inevitably gets a bad rap. It is experienced as “evil,” and in the Christian mythos as “satanic.” The feminine, the wild, the flesh becomes that which must be conquered and overcome. Chaos as disorder, as destruction. Horror monsters of chaos and the abyss–Cthulu in Lovecraft, giant squids in Verne, the Ogdru Jahad in Mignola’s Hellboy stories–become the ultimate evil.

This is what I think: I think that this so-called “evil” is really The Fear. It is The Fear the civilized have of that which is beyond their control, or that which threatens their control; their Fear turns “chaos” into “evil.” They look into the abyss and see a mirror that reflects all the horrors of civilization–the destruction, the rapaciousness, the cruelty, the sheer anti-life malice of the Citygod. This is their own reflection, but they experience it as something separate, something “out there,” some mysterious and hostile force that threatens their precious order.

The truth is that “chaos” is not evil; it’s not even disorder. There are an infinity of “orders” that grow naturally out of the great mysteriousness (Lakota – Wakan Tanka) of existence. The golden mean writes itself into the macro- and microcosm. The bird knows where to migrate, the spider knows how to build a web, lions know how to hunt, the moon knows how to wax and wane. All of these different “orders” are part of the same grand song of creation, “the harmony of the spheres” as Pythagoras called it. Chaos, then, is the totality of all orders. It’s the whole song. And therefore, it is terrifying to the tone-deaf android mutants who are obsessed with controlling the song.

So, we get evil chaos dragons in our stories. What the tellers of these stories fear is life, the female, the flesh, the earth. They fear wildness, they fear mortality, they fear what they cannot dominate and control. They commit evil to gain power-over, then externalize that evil–monsters in the void, dark skinned savages, etc. Their own sense of the existential meaninglessness generated by industrial society emerges from the collective (un)(sub)(?)conscious as old, evil, hungry, maddening monsters who dwell in ocean depths or in the void of outer space. These are the imaginal gymnastics of the civilized, the way they resolve their cognitive dissonance. The dreamtime fantasies of assholes.

One thing that makes Hellboy such a good series is the main character’s (and therefore the story’s) ambivalence about this entire model. Hellboy is supposed to be Anung un Rama, the Beast of the Apocalypse, but he makes the choice to reject that fate. And yet, he is still a part of the spirit world, the realm of faeries and gods; he is kin to everything that goes bump in the night. He is human and monster, united in the same body. He journeys across realms and dimensions, he fights battles to protect others, or to protect himself against those who would use him for their own purposes. He searches for knowledge and meaning. He is a shaman-warrior of the modern era, reluctant and weary but devoted to living and choosing his own path.

Meanwhile, some of the “villains” of the stories make a strong moral case for calling down the apocalypse. They know that the “End of the World” is only the end of this world–they know that the end of this world is the beginning of the next world. Their goal is not simply to destroy; they desire rebirth. Can you blame them? Could anyone with credible knowledge of this culture and society possibly desire anything other than its total destruction and the birth of something new?

“What I will do tonight can never be undone. I will open a portal, and awaken the Ogdru Jahad–the Seven Gods of Chaos. Our enemies will be destroyed. And from the ashes, a new Eden will arise.”
-Rasputin, Hellboy: The Movie

If you took all the victims of industrial civilization–that is to say, everyone who lives, from the mitochondria to the gray whales to the human child rape-slaves–and proposed a vote, I’m guessing you would get a landslide victory for Rasputin’s platform.

Yes, wipe it away, please and thank you. Yes, give us back the land, our freedom, our song and dance of living. Give us back the cycles of the seasons, our connections to our ancestors and the rest of the living world. Destroy the machines, destroy the systems, destroy the humans who build and defend them–they are our enemies. Please, an end to the Abrahamic sky-daddy/lord/king of Judgement and Envy. Bring forth the new Eden, we can wait a few hundred thousand or a few million years. Heal the poisons, dissolve the concrete shell, eliminate the citygod infection. Better death than eternal enslavement.

Heathenous? Yeah.


Ask the buffalo.

***Note: “Chaos” is also commonly represented as an egg, which is also implies the female (, or as water/fluid (

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The Softball Lesson

One of the earliest lessons I ever learned regarding the, shall we say, eccentricities of our social environment came when I was in the seventh or eight grade. It happened in Physical Education, which like everything else in school has the effect by design of killing all joy. In this case, it was the joy of physical activities and games.

As a youngster, I liked physical games. My favorites were kickball, four-square, softball (easier to hit than a regular baseball), basketball, tennis, badminton, long-jump, high-jump, shot put , and flag football. Left to our own devices, my friends and acquaintances would have had a perfectly wonderful time playing any of these–sometimes keeping score, sometimes not, talking shit, and generally being free spirited kids.

P.E. class, however, adds some bonus features, such as: being forced to play games with people you don’t like, being graded on one’s performance in a given activity, and being required to participate in any and all activities that the teacher chooses for the class. In other words, one is compelled and coerced to participate. Compulsion and coercion are the enemies of fun.

One day the class was doing a “softball unit.” As usual, my two running buddies and I were assigned to a team by default, as none of the chosen team captains were interested in having their teams sullied by the remainders of the junior high social equation. We were geeks, dorks, nerds, outcasts, fringe elements. Nevermind that two out of three of us were physically active enough to be decent participants in any given sport; skill was not a factor. I never did figure that equation out, but I got the general idea.

Since nobody on our team wanted anything to do with us, when it was the other team’s turn to bat we were assigned to the distant outfield. They simply parked us way out in right field, where they could almost forget that we were on the team. There weren’t enough catcher’s mitts for everyone on the field; needless to say, our team wasn’t going to waste perfectly good gear by giving it to us. So there we stood, gloveless, stuck to a patch of grass, reflecting on our situation with the usual sarcasm and resentment, waiting for the class period to end.

A crack of the bat sent the softball rocketing straight at us. I couldn’t tell you who hit that ball, but if the hit was any indication of their general athletic potential, they might have made a professional go of it–that ball flew through the air like a comet. We were far enough out that we had a good couple of seconds to see it coming our way; all of us were able to move to the side and avoid being crushed. The ball sailed off into the netherlands and one of us went after it, I don’t remember who. By the time the ball made it back to the diamond, whoever was on base had long since made it home.

At least half the members of our team were livid. They yelled and cussed at us, and we yelled and cussed right back. What stands out to me about this exchange is how upset they were that we refused to try and catch that speeding ball with our bare hands.

And there was the lesson.

We end up on your team, you make it clear you don’t want us, you put us in the middle of nowhere, you don’t give us the equipment we need to participate even if we wanted to, and then get angry at us when we refuse to put our physical safety on the line for the sake of your game. Then, in the time honored tradition of Civilized Masculinity, you insist that each and every one of us is a (bitch)(fag)(pussy)(whatever) for not doing so.

Well, as my mom likes to say, fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

A lot of folks end up as victims of bullies in these environments. There are people who end up bending over backward to try and please the cool kids, who will undergo any punishment or humiliation to be accepted by a given group. There are people whose spirits are crushed, who grow into meek and servile adults. There are victims who move on, find themselves in the top positions, and exact revenge by visiting misery upon those below them with the same level of commitment as their own tormenters. The fuckers and the fuckees.

The model is actually very simple to grasp when our vision is not clouded by conditioned loyalty to the machine. The Plan says, take your position, fuck and be fucked. We all play it out, in some form or another. “Privilege” is a corny and inadequate term for such a serious situation, but it’s also a helluva drug. Something in me, some combination of nature and nurture, heritage and rearing, is and has always been allergic to this entire model. Why? I sometimes wonder. Who can calculate such an equation? All I know is, I’ve never been down. The idea of being humiliated in order to be accepted is something I’ve simply never entertained. Neither have I accepted the idea that I must humiliate others. I don’t want to be fucked or fuck.

Geeks & dorks are supposed to be victims. As such, I made a terrible geek, because I always thought I was cool. I always had a sense of my own self-worth, despite the constant onslaught of Babylon against my spirit. I always had a sense of my own potential, my intelligence, my creativity, and these were things I valued and took pride in. They were fulfilling to my spirit even if they didn’t get me any dates. True, I had pitched battles with anger and depression from the age of twelve or so, battles that would get more intense and destructive as I grew into my early twenties. But there was something in me. Something that refused to surrender. Something that refused to be part of The Plan.

Hugo Monster has a song called about being bullied in school (Optimus Prime). Toward the end of a song, there’s a line that says, “I hope the child in me is proud of me.” I love that line. I would have had a much easier time as a young adult if I could have seen myself in the future, imagined my accomplishments and the rewards and struggles of my journey as an adult.

I’m now 37 years old. I’ve written and recorded over 100 rap songs, given amazing live performances, lectured to students of all ages, independently published a book and a number of comic books, served as a leader and teacher in my community, helped people, become an adept martial artist, had plenty of lovers, developed a strong spirituality, and built a satisfying life for myself. I have close friends, my chosen family. I have the admiration and respect of people I admire and respect. I’ve travelled to other states, even other countries. I learned to speak other languages. I’ve even been in love a few times.

I got to be what I always wanted, deep down, to be: a superhero.

With these time-bending powers I got from the old gods, I travel back and whisper into the dreams of that young me: Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Be yourself. The journey will be hard and lonely, but it will be worth it because you will live and exist on your own terms, not the terms set by people and systems that do not care about you or your well-being. You will forge your own path, you will make many mistakes, you will achieve many victories and failures, and you will learn. Your ancestors and your relatives who fly and swim and crawl and grow will speak to you and teach you things; listen to them. What you pray for will be yours; choose your prayers carefully.

And no matter what happens, keep the laughter.

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Raccoons on the Zombie Concrete

This society is obsessed with the undead, the zombie apocalypse. It’s easy enough to understand; I knew the end times were speeding down the pipeline back in 1999, when the radio airwaves were full of boy bands and rap-rock hybrids, and all the most popular TV shows were “reality television” and talent contests with phone-in democracy. The number one rapper was a trailer trash white dude, the most interesting rock persona looked like a vampire king, and you could buy spikes for your DIY clothing at the shopping mall.

Now here we are almost 20 years later, and the hordes have come. No need to look to the future or to cable TV for the zombie apocalypse; it’s already here, in front of you. Train cars, backyards, dinner tables, night clubs, social gatherings, all full of people typing their prayers into the screen of an electronic device–zoned out, barely conscious, imaginations on life support and ready to pull the plug. Aching for a final, painless escape into the great beyond; virtual reality, come rescue me. When all spiritual power and meaning has been sucked away, processed into consumer goods, and put on sale for the low low price of the never-to-return moments of your life, well… sounds like the end times to me.

No more black lung coal mines for your children; those went somewhere else, now it’s somebody else’s children. No more factory slaves in sight; they’re locked behind bars, or across a border or an ocean. Do we still have farms, or do drones do all the harvesting of genetically modified mono-crops? I saw cows on the countryside up north, some of these folks still have ranches. Somebody must not have told them the score.

“I only watch documentaries.” I know, because–and this may surprise you–I’ve heard it before. Often. What may also surprise you is finding out that even though you think you’re somehow “alternative” (chuckles) or wise beyond the banality of TV talent shows and police porn, you’re actually just tuned into another frequency of channel zero. This is the one where they define history and reality for you, an absolute determination, complete with dramatic music, jump cuts, special effects, and the soothing voices of actors explaining The Way of Things.

Or maybe you really like watching footage of the “animals,” I mean who wouldn’t? They’re so raw, so natural, so free of boxes and technological addictions. And with the safety of the screen and the distance of time and space in between you and them, you don’t even have to worry about smelling them or running afoul of their tempers and flesh-weapons. You can look up a bee’s asshole and never have to worry about getting stung. This culture is nothing if not nosey. Voyeuristic, even. Have you noticed? Maybe it’s just me.

Murder and media re-presentation are ingredients in the most sophisticated chains thus far deployed on a mass scale. I mean, they’re already plugging microchips into dragonflies to control where they fly and what they do, but it might be a few years before they have that for your children, and there’s always the chance we might run out of metal or drown in rising oceans or dissolve in nuclear holocaust before that happens. For now, murder and media re-presentation will have to do the job.

It’s very simple, actually; you kill the thing, then you tell the story of the thing you killed. You’ve achieved a powerful dynamic of control–the thing will never do anything you don’t want it to do, because it’s dead. One of the things it will never do again is speak, in any way, for itself, so now its story belongs to you. You can say it was… well, whatever you want to say. Or you can say nothing at all. What thing? There was never one of those. You must be crazy. Let’s see some ID. Log in with your social media profile, so we can inspect for divergent thoughts.

Rhinos can live forever on screen, or at least till the power goes out. Muskrats and prairie dogs, tigers and butterflies. There’s some nature around, if I drive far enough I can see it, but there’s bugs out there and besides I might have to walk, which I’m far too exhausted to do after selling my time to the lowest bidder to eat and have shelter. My family has been spread to the four corners, but I can see pictures of them and chat with them through the screen. I mostly use it to talk to family, don’t I?

Mad science, babylon science, anti-life science, the event horizon beyond which all meaning is devoured and spirit is a primitive superstition of people who aren’t evolved enough to resist germ warfare or commit ecocide. If I tell you what my ancestors told me, or even better how to talk to your own, can I be your guru? Will you bring me nubile women, can you afford the workshop fee? Be sure to post pictures to promote it; if we can’t transmute experience into a commodity, then what good is it?

Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch reading the quaint and life-affirming stories of an extinct culture when I heard raccoon talk coming through the front door. It was too early for the raccoon folk to be out among the deadly automobiles and machine people, and the talk was full of urgency and worry. I opened the screen door and stepped onto the front porch to see what was going on; I walked into a spectacle that could only happen in the dense isolation of urban living–there were raccoons, yes, a family; mom and children, I would guess. The kids were about half the size they’ll eventually be. Mom was at the edge of the grass with two of the kids, hollering at someone around the side of my house I couldn’t see. Nobody looked injured. This wasn’t the spectacle.

The spectacle was, a number of human neighbors were standing on the sidewalk across the street, watching the raccoon family like it was Jesus and his band of merry apostles come back for a visit. I’m watching the raccoons, trying to figure out what mom is hollering about–trying to hear–and a woman across the street yells out to me, “There’s a family of raccoons in your yard!” This was a major event for her, which is beautiful and tragic in equal measure. I smile her way and mumble something.

There’s a fence that separates my yard from the neighbors, a whole clan of salvadorans and one lone chinese family all stuffed into a small apartment building. Another junior raccoon finally comes dashing from the side of the house, from the neighbors’ side of the fence. All raccoons are at a low level of panic; they know they shouldn’t be out at this hour, they know they’re in danger under the evening light and the eyes of humans. Mom hollers at junior, who finally runs over and joins the group. They all trot off down the sidewalk, not running, but in the rush of people who know they’re in a neighborhood of trouble. By the way, the sight of a family of raccoons walking down a sidewalk is absurd, if that needed to be said.

I go back inside to the couch and the stories, and after a few minutes I hear more raccoon chirping, this time from the backyard. I went out on the back porch to check out the sequel to the front porch adventure. All the men of the salvadoran clan were on the other side of the fence, looking up at one of the trees in my yard, who was chirping. Or rather, an unseen junior raccoon was chirping. I walked out on the hard earth and dead grass to get a closer look, got tree sap and a thorn in my bare foot for my troubles. One of the neighbors spoke to me, which rarely happens. “Do you see him?” No, but I did notice that when I got close, the raccoon went silent. The young man again, big smile, teeth full of braces and red food coloring stains: “There was a whole family of them out front.” Yes, it’s too early for them to be out, I say. I’m worried for them, I don’t say.

Looks to me like junior got separated from the family. Between the inherent danger of being out before dark and the stress of humans gathering and gawking at them, I’m guessing mom opted to retreat, and one of the kids got left behind. Please (god)(mystery)(power)(spirit)(wholeness)(grandmotherfather) look after them, keep them safe and reunite them.

Later that night, after dark, I’m on the back porch ranting with my roommate about white men’s stories. I hear a telltale scraping sound and look out into the yard; the junior raccoon left the tree and ran off down the edge of the fence, in direction his family went earlier. My roommate doesn’t notice. I smile and save the story for later.

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Afternoon Malice

Let’s take for example something that is delicious to eat: carnitas tacos, specifically the ones from the taco truck two blocks down from my house. They’re salted just right, the salsa is flavorful and spicy without being destructively hot, and the meat is grilled to crispy perfection. It’s a simple food–no airs, fanciness, or complex ideas here; just corn tortillas, onion, cilantro, salsa, meat, and grease.

Now let’s imagine eating this food every goddamn day for like 3 or 10 years. Anyone on the proper side of the autism spectrum (that is to say, not on it at all) would get sick of carnitas tacos sooner than later.

Or we can imagine this food as filtered through the machine of mass corporate consumption; removed of all unique flavor, cultural resonance–turned into the food equivalent of elevator music.

Language is delicious to me. The dance of words, sayings, colloquialisms, slang, and expressive vocabulary is at the heart of my imagination and joy in life. I’ve been writing stories since I was a child; I wrote my first poems at the age of 9. I’ve written a novella and dozens of comic book stories. I’ve written and recorded over 100 rap songs, a manual on martial arts theory and practice, hella blogs, forum posts, social media arguments, bio blurbs, organizational documents, training guides, and countless other miscellaneous pieces. I’ve independently published 5 issues of a zine, 2 short comic books, and a memoir on my life as an MC in the L.A. underground (a memoir that you should buy from me now before I run out of copies, holler: malikdiamond(at)hotmail(dot)com.)

I have basic fluency in Mandarin Chinese, Spanish, (and a similar fluency in the non-human languages of Feline, Canine, Ignan, Sylvan, Terran, Auran, Aquan, Abyssal, Infernal, and Celestial), and a humble stash of words and phrases in Lakota, Arabic, Cantonese, Japanese, and Russian. One of my favorite things in life is the melodic and creative speech of English spoken by non-native speakers. I prefer it entirely to the English spoken by (most) native speakers; it’s more raw, more honest, and more fun to hear. The twisted and effective grammar and pronunciation of non-native English speakers fills my heart with joy.

Preface Part 1 concluded.

Preface Part 2: I am employed as a part of the non-profit industrial complex. My work, both official and unofficial, is at times wonderful and at times infuriating. Well, mainly it’s some of the people I have to deal with in the course of my work who are infuriating–the ignorant, the incompetent, the power-mad, the corrupt filth, the cynical manipulators, the self-righteous, the merely dumb, the irritating.

Working in the non-profit industrial complex means being somewhat disconnected from regular people, the kind who work regular jobs, commit regular crimes, post regular memes, and have regular banality. In my case, it means being around hella “artists” and “creative” people (as if the miracles worked by, say, a regular single mother with two grown, underemployed children living at home were not “creative”), and it means spending hella time around trendy “activists” and other clueless swine.

Preface Part 2 concluded. On to the point:

I have a healthy and active malice for bullshit of all kinds.

And there are a whole lot of words and phrases that folks are wantonly bandying about that I am Sick. To. Death. Of. Hearing. And. Reading. Let’s work the list, shall we?

The quality of being “accountable,” that is to say responsible for one’s words and behavior. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Except, like everything else, this has become yet another hollowed-out platitude in a subculture where people achieve status by pointing out other people’s failings. What the hell does it mean to be “accountable?” Who gets to decide? And why have we all accepted–as though beamed out from some secret underground lair, or perhaps a satellite–the use of a term that implies, infers, and relates to capitalist economics (account, accountant) as a stand-in for what should be a straightforward notion: responsibility? Nobody likes the word “blame.” Nobody’s ever at fault. We just need “accountability.” Which, in my experience, often looks like sweeping things under rugs, or slapping wrists, regardless of the level of horror and/or ridiculousness involved in a given perpetration.

Just what in the hell can this word possibly mean in a world of atomized consumer units, I mean people, sitting in boxes punching away at buttons on glowing screens? Commune: to talk together intimately… to be in close rapport… a small group of people living communally, sharing space, resources and labor. What sort of intimacy exists in a culture where not only is all COMMUNication heavily mediated, but consciousness itself has been damn near downloaded? Who is included? The neighbors we’ve never met? The grass we mow? The trees we ignore? The species we wipe out? The sky, broken by wires and electromagnetic radiation? The assholes on TV? Let’s have some close rapport, but wait a second because my spacephone just summoned me to prayer.

“Social Justice”
Motherfucker, please. At best, a rear-guard action against omnicidal machines, at worst a slogan for folks who are hoping to get paid and/or laid by nitwits. I’ve heard exactly one person use this phrase in a meaningful way: Pastor Saturu Ned, formerly known as James Mott of the Black Panther Party; his long history of bringing tangible benefits to poor and oppressed people is what gave it meaning. For everyone else, it seems to be a marketing category, or perhaps a “lifestyle option” in the middle rows of a sinking ship. What do they mean by “social”? Whose society? What is justice? How would you know? Do I get to have social justice and still keep my electricity and high-tech consumer toys? What do the salmon think?

It’s my understanding that this phrase was coined by the bodhisattva Audrey Lorde, basically as a way of saying that people who give their lives to organizing and helping folks need to remember to sleep and eat, and give time to taking care of themselves instead of sacrificing everything for “the cause.” Now it’s become a sign-off on whatever shameless and hedonistic indulgences that people get good feelings from. I suppose, if pressed, the average mall-shopper would insist that purchasing luxury goods constitutes “self-care.”

I get it that we all hate ourselves and all other living beings; it’s basic to the insanity of civilization, and particularly industrial civilization. In which case, it might be a nice change to have love of any kind, ideally the kind that would lead people collectively to doing whatever it fucking takes to put an end to the machine-world before it sends us all into oblivion. But the reality is that the standard personality template for the consumer class is narcissist, which means that self-love–and obsession–is overabundant. How about self-respect? Does that phrase have any relevance at all to this crumbling empire?

Every time some filthy non-profit man uses this word, Andrea Dworkin’s dead body does a barrel roll in its grave. If there was anything resembling justice in this world, the word “patriarchy” would have the same resonance of disgust and shame as “holocaust,” or at least AIDS. It’s like everyone agreed–almost as though they were programmed–that if we give a nod to righteousness by saying this word, and invoking, however indirectly, the specter of normalized rape, brutalization, torture, mutilation, terror, fear & loathing, violence, and murder, then we’ve done our due diligence; no need for painful hours spent studying theory, researching history, hearing women’s stories, facing torment, confronting demons, rewriting our fundamental values, exiling rapists & abusers, or burning the whole fucking thing down. I guess what we really need is abortion rights and equal income for women, and everything will be okay. How safe, how tragic, how fucking insulting. Thank the gods of mercy that Dworkin crossed over to the ancestral realm before having to live in the world of 24-hour pornification, stripper-pole feminism, and pussy grabber presidents.

Trendy liberal brown folks with too much access to communication technology and conspiracy videos. In ye olden days (before spacephones and the internet) we called it “knowledge of self” when a person had both spiritual insight and the kind of political/historical learning that inspires one to teach others–teaching face-to-face, building relationships, mentoring, guiding, and continuing to learn. These folks slanging the word “woke” don’t have a shit more clue what’s going on than my cat does, since, like my cat, they rarely bother to pick up a book, spend time physically with people actively listening to them, or really do any sort of critical thinking that one could describe as critical or thinking.

“Sustainable technology”
There’s only one kind of sustainable technology: stone-age. Everything else is extractive. Stop playin.

Politically speaking, this term has pretty much devolved to what it meant when surfers in the ’80’s (remember those? No? Us neither) used it: a synonym for “cool.” I’ve seen so many people describe others or themselves as “politically radical” who were neither political nor radical that I’ve become convinced this word now simply designates one as trendy and hip. Radical: of or from the root or roots; going to the foundation or source of something; fundamental; basic. Well, there’s one aspect of that definition that most of the folks using this word have got: basic. They’re basic as fuck.

“White Supremacy”
Um. Anything followed by the word “supremacy” is now suspect, on account of the people using the terms these days mostly picked them up on blogs, memes, and tweets. Idea-commodities are still commodities, and don’t speak to the bleak realities of resistance to power–they cannot speak to those realities, because those realities are invisible to commodified consciousness. POC activists hate “white supremacy,” (or so they say) but they love technology, gadgets, media culture, and money, which are all legacies of european invaders. Straight up, in my experience this phrase is mainly used by people who are incapable of building relationships with any real emotional vulnerability and therefore bond with each other mainly by complaining about white folks. Meanwhile, the real supreme beings–the machine gods and their children–are shepherding us all to the boneyard, including the melanin-deficient mutant savages we now call “white people.”

Invasion is invasion, no matter how sexy you dress it up. Invaders have been manifesting their destiny for centuries now; just because it now comes with organic coffee shops and artisanal bakeries instead of rifles and mass graves doesn’t make it any less destructive. These people and institutions are not “gentry,” (of noble or high birth) they’re murderous invaders, and should be responded to accordingly.

Everything I’ve ever known about gender, sexuality, and relationships was programmed into me by the violence, institutions, social rituals, and machines of civilized invaders. That shit doesn’t belong to me; it was done to me. So keep your identity-politicking ivory tower slang terms to yourself, and don’t ever call me this. “Cis” is a latin term and I haven’t been Roman lately. Or British, for that matter, yet here I am speaking English. Go ask my Ojibwe and unknown African ancestors about gender roles. Oh wait, you can’t; they were exterminated. Please note: all these kinds of terms are invented by white people.

“King” and “Queen”
Black people of a certain persuasion–the corny woke kind–think this is some sort of a compliment, harkening back to ye olden days when we were supposedly “all royalty.” This demonstrates a basic ignorance about how cultures of “royalty” function: a violence-enforced caste system with a small group of people who control everyone else. Well, fuck your pyramid scheme and your domination cult, and don’t ever call me this either.

That’s it for now. There will probably be more.

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Stitches, No Chaser

I got a small cypher of folks I trust and confide in. They know, or have an idea, of what I’m going through. With other folks, I’m not really sure how to address it.

When I say “my girlfriend and I split up,” it feels light and hollow, like thin plywood painted to look like a brick. You think it’s going to be heavy, but then it’s like nothing.

It’s just not good enough, but I can’t bare to give more. I don’t even really want to write this, or make it public. Everything on the net is so cheap and transitory. But I have to do something. Because the truth is, I am crushed. I am broken.

So I write, and share.

I didn’t just break up with my girlfriend. I lost my other half. A woman I laughed with and prayed with and lounged with, the woman I wanted to grow old with, the woman whose love made every other accomplishment in my life shine with added meaning and importance.

I have never felt about anyone the way I felt, and feel, about her. Never before been so open, so vulnerable. And I am not a person who holds back. Quite the opposite; the last several years have been somewhat of a marathon of heartbreak, as I’ve gotten deeply intimate with several women who turned out, for whatever reason, to just not be the right one. So when I say that it got deep with this one, deeper than any other… it was major. It was what they write songs about. It was what other people see and long for. It was what that jolly elderly couple has. It was like when you were in love as a teenager, but grown and sexy.

And now it’s over. And I feel empty.

Not the kind of empty like, this person took something from me that I’ll never get back: time. I’ve had that a few times.

Not the kind of empty like, this person used me and peaced out. I’ve had that a few times.

This is the kind of empty where you stand by helpless and watch as the most wonderful thing in your life slips out of your hands. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do. The cruelty of the fates has come for you, and the dose is already measured.

The kind of empty that, should you be fortunate/unfortunate enough to make it to old age, will linger in your twilight years, haunting your stories and late nights.

The kind you may never be able to fill. Better to cover it and stitch it up.

Chances are, they won’t even notice the scars.

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Dharma Squirrel

There’s only one True Path to walk. It’s got plenty of roads, with new ones springing up all the time, but really there’s only one. The life path.

Before human consciousness became host to the psychic infection of undead machine consciousness, there were truths that we all knew, because our cultures taught them to us. We’re communal, social, cultural creatures, and we have a steep learning curve. But we’ve also always had a lot of help from our living brethren.

As Winona LaDuke put it, a lot of our greatest teachings come from our relatives. The ones with wings and fins and leaves and fur and exoskeletons. The world is alive, spirit and flesh merged in a beautiful dance, and s(he) has a voice. The machinemind has taught us to be deaf to that voice.

Every “civilized” culture–and by “civilized,” I mean it in the sense of being infected by a deadly psychosis–has cultural memories of a vast span of paleolithic time when we could still hear all the songs and still learn from the nonhumans around us. Sometimes you have to dig deep for those memories.

And sometimes, they smash your head in with a gold-banded cudgel and splatter your brains all over the ground, then insult your ancestors.

The chinese memory of a free life of savagery survives in the story of Sun Wukong, the Beautiful Monkey King. No Confucian worship of parental authority for him–after all, he was born from a stone egg, formed by the abyss. As the indians say, rock and stone are our oldest ancestors.

Wukong looks like a monster to the civilized. He’s got no manners or sense of propriety. He does not willingly submit to the hierarchy, and doesn’t bother with the formalities of the Jade Emperor’s court. He moves freely, by wind and cloud, making friends with spirits and creatures and gods throughout the cosmos.

“Journey to the West” is a famous chinese novel that tells the story of the Monkey King’s rebellion against the heavenly order (they always treated him like a savage ape), his punishment and burial under a mountain, and his torture-inspired conversion to buddhism–Guanyin, the boddhisatva of compassion and mercy, fitted Monkey with a magic headband that when commanded would squeeze his head, crippling him with agonizing pain until he agreed to behave.

Thus converted, Monkey becomes a disciple and bodyguard to an idiotic but pure-hearted monk who is traveling from the East (china) to the West (india, where buddhism originated) to fetch the sacred scriptures that will return harmony to the kingdom.

The monk and Monkey are joined by two other disciples: First, Pig, a former heavenly marshall who “failed to respect the consensual boundaries” of a moon goddess and was transformed to a monster and banished to earth as punishment. Second, Sand, a former heavenly general who broke a sacred crystal goblet and was likewise transformed and banished to earth, where he took up highway robbery and cannibalism as a river monster. And third, the White Dragon, the third son of the Dragon King of the West, who was about to be executed for accidentally destroying one of the Jade Emperor’s jewels, but got a reprieve and conversion, like the rest of the disciples, from Guanyin.

Animism: the believe that the world is full of living spirits, embodies in creatures and environment.

In the animism of Journey to the West, any creature can cultivate their conduct, achieving vast power through taoist alchemy & magic, or buddhist enlightenment. Frequently these creatures then use their power to become petty warlords and tribal chieftains, claiming this mountain or that river as their territory and vigorously defending it. Many become demon kings. Not all of them. But the ones who do are constantly plotting on eating the monk, whose flesh can make them immortal. Invariably they end up smashed, converted, or outsmarted by Monkey and his fellow disciples.

The point is, any living being can become a buddha or a boddhisatva. Even Monkey becomes a buddha upon completion of the quest: Dou Zhang Sheng Fo (鬥戰勝佛), the Buddha Who Prevails Over Struggle–or, as it’s translated in my copy of the story: Victorious Fighting Buddha. By cultivating righteousness, discipline, devotion, and action in accordance with taoist and buddhist principles, regular nonhumans can achieve buddhahood, enlightenment and potentially acquire vast power.

I’ve now officially seen this in action. There’s a buddhist squirrel living in my backyard.

I have a plastic buddha statue which has been sitting at the base of the giant walnut tree in my backyard since I moved into this house over three years ago. The statue is covered in cobwebs and dirt. It’s been baked in the sun and soaked with pouring rain. I’ve given it tobacco and plastic jewels.

There’s been a squirrel living in that tree since who-knows-when. I hear him all the time, chewing the skin off walnuts. Now that there’s no longer a dog in the yard, he makes regular appearances, dashing around the yard, chasing his squirrel homies up and down the tree, and burying nuts.

A couple of weeks ago, I was standing on the back porch when the squirrel came skittering toward me from the back fence. He stopped about midway through the yard, stood upright on his back legs, and put his front paws together in the unmistakable pose of a buddhist disciple. He stayed like that for several moments, completely still, gazing into the mysteries of the cosmos with shining black eyes.

He went back to regular squirrel business, but every couple of minutes he would stop, face me, and make the pose.

Since then, there’s been several times when I’ve seen him sitting on top of the buddha statue’s head, munching away at walnuts and leaving offerings.

Dharma Squirrel.



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Divide by Zero

Math is dumb. And I don’t mean the study or the field of math is dumb, I mean it more like if math was your autistic cousin. It can only think in terms of quantity and abstractions. The world is a living being, and forcing it into quantification and abstraction is like forcing a woman into high heels and corsets.

As a kid I was fascinated and disturbed when teachers told me that it was impossible to divide by zero. Huh? But you can multiply by zero, thus annihilating any given number. Whether it’s 7 or 7 million, if you multiply by zero, you get zero. But if zero is nothing, how can you tell me I can’t divide by nothing? What if I simply refuse to divide?

As per requirement of the matrix, election season means a dramatic energy dump into the system, as everyone argues and promotes and campaigns and rants and raves and everything else that we are trained to do. At 36 years old, I’ve seen quite a bit of this already. I remember when the “democrats” blamed all the Nader voters for putting Dubya in the white house. It was absurd then, and it’s absurd now.

All of the dialogue fills me with the same fascination and disturbance that I got when told I could not divide by zero.

There are many unseen things I am required to believe in order to participate in the voting process, or even to participate in arguments about it. One is that the united states has a legitimate claim to govern the landbase that it occupies. As a black indian, that fills me with amusement and contempt; picture a legion of social media junkies in germany circa 1940 bullying jews over their refusal to vote for nazi candidates, and you’ll have an idea of how I feel about it.

I must pretend that voting is NOT participation in a ceremonial-ritual act that spiritually and emotionally affirms a planet-devouring industrial order.

I must believe that voting has some genuine influence in how the government of occupation governs. On the whole, this is demonstrably false. I could provide links and research, but really, if you’re the kind of person who has subscribed to the required beliefs, all the information in the world will not sway you.

I must believe that the person who occupies the presidential seat will somehow affect civilization’s obsessive inertia of life-destruction.

I must believe that the president’s job is to do something other than maintain the existence of the USA, with all the ecological destruction, war, murder, oppression, lies, and evil that entails.

I must ignore all my own knowledge, research, intuition, and wisdom.

I don’t have answers. I know the problem and how to solve it, but the cold story of probability says that if you don’t already share in that knowledge, you don’t want it. This text does not want to convince you; this text is about honesty. A breath of fresh air. If it feels that way to you when you read it, then congratulations; you’re the target audience.

Defang the snake.


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