My spider sense instantly went off when I found out there would be a black lead in the latest Star Wars flick. Of course, since the level of suspect activity in Babylon 2015 is so high, my spider sense has been in a constant state of hyper-stimulation. As a result, I didn’t really think too much about it. If I had, I promise you I could have predicted the entire character arc of this poor, shoe-shuffling negro, and probably the content of most of his scenes.
I’m pulling triggers like crazy in this post, so if you’re the kind of person that cares enough about OMFG SW that you don’t want anything spoiled, AND you still haven’t seen the movie, then just be a grown-up and take what’s coming to you.
John “the black guy in the new SW” Boyega, (who, by the way, is billed 6th on the wikipedia site for actors in the movie, despite getting way more screen time then that effete wannabe sith and Mark Hamill) plays a character named Finn….
Who is given his name by a white dude.
Oh, no you don’t. Don’t you dare keep reading. Go back and read that again, goddammit. I’ll wait. In fact, I’ll say it again, just in case:
Finn is given his name by a white dude.
Here’s my recap of the scene. This may not be the exact dialogue, but it’s definitely what was said:
Negro: “I don’t have a name, just a number! I was taught only to obey!”
White dude: “Never fear, negro, I shall grant thee a name. Thou shalt be… FINN!”
Negro: “OMG thank you white man! You’re my true friend!”
Mr. Underground Railroad White Ally helps rescue the negro from slavery and they escape to some desert planet. Some other shit happens, I don’t really remember–the movie is pop trash, and I’m not supposed to remember or even think about it too much–and then the negro gets beaten up by the other lead, a white chick, in preparation for their post-racial romance (*gag*).
At some point, the negro is asked about his position within the league of stormtroopery, and it turns out that he was… a janitor.
No, no, no. GO BACK AND READ THAT AGAIN.
This happy-go-lucky-ass negro escaped from the empire, or the First Order, or whatever the fuck, because he couldn’t bring himself to gun down a bunch of trifling civilians. Clearly the bad guys’ training protocol needs work, cuz this dude is so weak-sauce I had trouble believing he’d ever been a trooper in the first place. I know this movie is not intended to make any sense, just sell products, but for chrissake.
(And btw, according to previous film canon, the stormtroopers are supposed to be clones. #OutGeekYou)
Eventually the negro takes up the lightsaber so he can get punked by the villain (#TestTheMelanin) and outshined by the white chick, who, despite having zero training whatsoever in the use of said lightsaber, is able to fend off the dark side jedi, who was so wack I don’t even remember the character’s name. He shall heretofore be referred to as Darth Whiner, a name which represents the extent of his character development.
Anyway, negro outshined by white chick, in further preparation for (*gag*) post-racial romance.
Speaking of white chicks, Carrie Fisher reprising her role as Leia adds the only bit of dignity in this movie, yet she still gets the shit end of the stick. Those of you who are versed in the original trilogy (the only movies in the franchise worth watching) know that it was strongly implied that Leia would eventually become a jedi, since the force is strong in the family and shit. So… why is it hella years later, and she’s still just leading troops? Why is she not a jedi, dammit?
In the cheapest, most pointless, low-down contrived and manipulative scene since the whole Titanic movie, Han Solo puts all of his allies’ lives in danger (including his own negro sidekick, Chewbacca) to try and convince his son Darth Whiner to join the good guys. After a lot of whining, Han Solo gets the saber through the gut and falls to his doom, jeopardizing everyone he’s with and squeezing tears from the eyes of mom’s-basement-dwellers everywhere.
Torture and pseudo-rape scene: Darth Whiner has the white chick tied up (bondage), informs her he can take whatever he likes from her, then spends almost 10 minutes of a scene torturing her with the force–groaning, screaming, the whole nine. This wasn’t the only force-torture scene, either. All of this in what’s supposed to be a family movie.
At this point I went out for a smoke; normally I walk out on any movie with a rape scene, and I would’ve walked on this, but alas I had gone to see it with my cousins and didn’t want to leave them at the theater. Also, someone else bought my ticket.
What amazed me during my smoke break was how empty and calm the lobby was. The theater made the wise decision to have all the incarnations of SW–regular, 3-D, and imax 3-D–play all at the same time, probably to give the employees a rest from all the trauma-inducing chaos of x-mas movie season.
I wasn’t expecting a SW mob scene in the simple, POC-free city of Bend, Oregon, which tells you how disconnected I am from the mainstream of american culture. When we got to the theater for the show 45 minutes early, it was packed like they were giving out free booze. We pulled a pirate maneuver and cut way in front of the line as it was going in, and still had to sit in the front row. WTF?
Anyway, back to the movie itself. Actually, nevermind, nothing else worth mentioning happened. The movie sucked. Instead of just doing a straight-up remake, as writer/director JJ “look I’m PC cuz I have a negro and a female lead” Abrams did with Star Trek and should’ve done with SW, instead we get a half-assed remake that basically tells the EXACT SAME STORY as the original SW, only without any of the creativity, originality, magic, wonder, or innocence.
I’ve noticed, through all my social media “research,” that people tend to fall into one of two categories when it comes to this movie. Which makes sense, since this culture has been completely one-dimensional since the towers blew up and you were either with us or against us. Those categories are: OMFG SW!, and Fuck SW.
Both groups need to grow up. Film is one of the principal myth-makers and status-quo-enforcers of our society. All the trifling and inane ignorance of american values is laid bare in the Blockbuster Movie. If you want to understand what this country is really about, look no further for study: Militarism. Torture. Rape. Misogyny. Racism. White men making grand speeches, in love with the sound of their own voices, high on their own bullshit.
But I forgot; I’m not supposed to think too much about it.
And I’m definitely not supposed to talk about it.
P.S. Deja vu. More of the same.